TV Hour at the Castle that Never Was
by Super Hyper Mario 128 III
Summary: Even undead warriors of the darkness need a little off time each day. However, as Xemnas soon discovers, having thirteen eccentric personalities and one remote can only lead to trouble.


"It's TV time! It's TV time! It's TV time! It's TV time! It's..."

"Roxas, shut up or I'll throw my tomahawk at you."

"What!? Hey! Xemnas! Lexaeus is picking on me! Tell him to knock it off!"

I glanced up from my desk and let out a huge sigh. It was the most agonizing time of day once again: TV hour. Granted, I'm sure you feeble mortals can't comprehend why a group of undead denizens of the darkness who want to destroy Kingdom Hearts itself would have any time for the typical trash found on that horrible piece of technology, but even I, the fine leader of this organization, realize that thirteen very angry and depressed souls (if I can even call them that) need a little off time. Besides, watching all that garbage for an hour a day helps convince us even more the urgency of why we need to put the human race out of its pathetic misery. If _Armed & Famous_ wasn't enough evidence of a necessary extermination, I don't know what is.

I rose from my desk, which was currently covered with huge map of the entire galaxy. Before Roxas' cry for help, I was busying myself deciding what world to destroy next (a small, Western-like world called "Little Patch of Heaven" was looking like a good choice; I doubt anyone would notice, let alone care, if it simply disappeared). However, it appeared that I needed to intervene upon some current situation our newest member was having before he wound up with a literal split-personality. Not that I personally cared if the little brat got an ax wedged in his skull, but he was the Keybearer in his former life, so that earned him some merit.

"Lexaeus..." I ordered, leaving my chambers to find that hulking mountain of pure testosterone (and little else) brandishing his weapon about two inches away from Roxas' face, "Please resist the temptation to eliminate our youngest member. I would rather not have to change all our business cards to read 'Organization XII.'"

Not that we _had_ business cards, as anyone who was close enough to have one handed to them was most likely killed, but Lexaeus was a little lacking in the brains department, so he took my excuse and walked off, grumbling about how his tomahawk was so much cooler than a wimpy Keyblade. He was ignored... as usual.

"Phew..." Roxas sighed, wiping his brow with one of his toothpick arms, "Thanks, Xemmy! I thought I was a goner there!"

"I am your superior..." I growled, "You will call me 'Xemnas.'"

"Sure thing, Xemmy!" our thirteenth member replied, completely ignoring my demands (like he always does), "Come on! It's TV time! It's TV time!"

Deep down, I wondered of sparing Roxas was that good of an idea.

Regardless, I followed the prancing idiot into the living room. Contrary to popular belief, our castle is _not_ just a massive collection of hallways, balconies, and the occasional random graveyard/teleportation room (I believe it was our resident emo, Zexion, who came up with that last one). We _do_ have more residential commodities in our fortress, such as bedrooms, bathrooms, and a kitchen, although we usually just go for takeout; none of us can cook and the delivery guy makes for another heart. At any rate, a large gathering of the undead began forming within the living room with members coming from all corners of the castle. TV hour was an event no one ever missed.

I promptly took to my reserved spot on the sofa: front and center. Xigbar sprawled himself out on my right, aiming his gun arrows at anyone who did so much as look at his spot on the sofa. Saїx sat on my left, looking about as excited about the impending hour as I was.

"You look thrilled," I commented to my comrade.

"It's Tuesday," Saїx stated, "If Demyx makes us watch _American Idol_ again, I think I'll go berserk on him."

Even I cringed at that one. No one liked it when Saїx went berserk. It usually causes us to have to replace all the furniture in the room. Not that mummy is all that big of a concern with us or anything, it's just that threatening shopkeepers to give us free stuff and then killing them anyway gets boring after a while.

Meanwhile, ankle-biter Roxas decided to forgo the couch all together and plop himself on the floor in front of the television. He was soon joined by his "best friend," Axel. Last time I checked, not having a heart should eliminate the feelings required to call someone your best friend, but I suppose the little shrimp was just desperate to hold on to something from his former life. They were also joined by Demyx, rounding out what the rest of the Organization called the "Testosterone Trio."

Yes, it's a sarcastic title and no, I don't know why Marluxia isn't in there.

With the three-person sofa and the vacancy in front of the TV taken, the remaining seven members had to make due with dragging chairs in from other parts of castle or by simply just standing behind the sofa. I'm not quite sure how one can stand in one place for an entire hour, but I suppose I spend that long standing on the highest tower of the castle, laughing sinisterly and waxing poetic angst whist bathed in the light of Kingdom Hearts.

"So, are we going to watch something or what?" Luxord snorted, leaning against the far wall, "I was in the middle of an online poker match when I heard the jail bait start singing like a lunatic."

Jail bait? Good grief, that's disgusting. Since when did anyone show any interest in the little punk anyway? The closest thing I ever noticed was Marluxia looking at him longingly, and I'm pretty sure he was envying the Keyblade more than anything else. That neophyte creeps me out. I swear he's planning a revolt or something...

"Well, I just got a few box sets from Amazon the other day," Demyx suggested, getting up off the floor and walking over to the DVD rack, "Let's see here... Ha! Here we go! Anyone want to watch _Captain N: The Game Master_? I got the complete series!"

"You're jokin', right?" Xigbar grunted, "I'm not watching anything with a bunch of pansy Nintendo characters!"

"Aw... You're just bitter," everyone's favorite pyromaniac (Axel, for the morbidly stupid) teased, "you've been that way ever since Roxas forgot to wear the wriststrap while playing the Wii and the controller flew into your eye."

"For the millionth time, that's NOT how I lost my freakin' eye!" the Freeshooter shot back, "Some stupid fox shot me in the eye while I was investigating some world called Sherwood Forest! _That's_ how I lost it!"

"Wouldn't happen to be Fox McCloud, would it?"

"NO!!!" Xigbar screamed, pointing his gun square between Axel's eyes, "IT WAS ROBIN HOOD! ROBIN FRICKIN' HOOD!"

"Dude, doesn't that guy just use a bow-and-arrow? How'd you lose a shoot-out with _him_?"

Being the leader of this band of merry men, I was the one usually responsible for stopping such arguments before someone lost an eye... Or, in Xigbar's case, another eye.

"Axel, please..." I groaned, "I already had to spare your pint-sized friend from being on the receiving end of Lexaeus' tomahawk and I really don't want to have to play peacemaker twice in ten minutes..."

"What?" Axel retorted, "It's not my fault hot shot here can't take a joke."

"Uh..." Demyx interrupted, "... I guess _Captain N_ is a 'no', then?"

Keeping one gun pointed at Axel, Number Two pointed his other gun at the Melodious Nocturne.

"What do you think, whiny?"

Demyx sheepishly replied by putting the box set back on the shelf and sullenly walked back to his original position in front of the TV.

"Hey, let me pick something!" Roxas called out.

"Oh... Alright..." I sighed, "Just don't pick something that will spark World War III, okay?"

Our resident Keybearer made his way over to the DVD shelf and quickly pulled out another movie. This time, it was Zexion who objected.

"_High School Musical_?" the Cloaked Schemer sneered, "Are you out of your mind!?"

"What?" Roxas shrugged, "What's wrong with _High School Musical_?"

"It's retarded! It's a stupid movie about a bunch of stupid, politically correct kids in their stupid high school singing a bunch of stupid songs! Give me one good reason to watch that!"

"But... But..." Roxas pouted, "I like musicals!"

"Hey!" Demyx cheered, "We share something in common, then!"

Roxas likes musicals? Actually, that doesn't surprise me. I always thought that Roxas _sounded_ like some whiny teenage pop singer, but that's just me.

"You call that a musical?" Zexion snickered, "No. _Phantom of the Opera_ is a musical. _Jekyll and Hyde_ is a musical. _Sweeney Todd_ is a musical. That... Is a pathetic excuse for an over-glamorized karaoke night."

I wonder if I was the only one who noticed that Zexion choose all very morbid examples of musicals. If I watched plays where barbers slit their customers' throats, _I'd_ be emo too. Well, more emo anyway. Losing your heart makes anyone at least slightly emo... Except Demyx. There was something seriously wrong with that kid.

"Besides," Number Six continued, "it stars those obnoxious brats that they spawn from secret, underground laboratories to populate shows like _That's so Raven_ and _The Suite Life of Zack and Cody_."

"I wish I could find that laboratory..." Vexen lamented, "I could probably destroy a few dozen worlds with those guys as heartless..."

"Oh... Fine! We won't watch it!" Roxas sobbed, throwing the DVD on the ground (what a baby... I don't recall Sora ever being like this...), "Just leave me alone!... Sniff..."

I could've sworn I heard someone mumble 'Hallelujah!', but I'm not sure.

"How's this for an idea:" Larxene suggested sarcastically, "Let's just forget about DVDs and watch what's actually on the TV!"

There was a general murmur of agreement from the undead as we all glanced at the TV remote on the end table next to the couch.

"So..." I grumbled, "What are we going to watch, exactly?"

"Oh! I know!" Marluxia declared as he grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. He inputted the channel and, within seconds, there was a chorus of protests.

"Are you frickin' kidding me!?" Xaldin shouted, "HGTV!?"

"But _Landscaper's Challenge_ is on right now!" the Graceful Assassin defended, "I love watching them transform dreary lawns into paradise gardens!"

"Uh... News flash:" Axel intervened, "You're the _only_ one who loves that. Not even Larxene is into that stuff, and she's a girl."

Number Eleven glared at Number Nine.

"Got it memorized?"

"Eh, I've had enough of this pansy garbage!" Lexaeus interrupted, snatching the remote out of Marluxia's hands, "We're watching something good!"

Lexaeus changed the channel.

"Ah, here we go! Spike TV! Now _there's_ a good channel!"

"Please tell me, for my brain cells' sake, that one of their _CSI_ marathons is on right now..." Vexen pleaded.

"Nope..." Xigbar replied, "It's _Ultimate Fighter_! Sweet! Something good for once!"

I couldn't help but cringe as I watched two bald, muscular men punch each other in the face, hurling obscenities that would give King Mickey a heart attack, while blood flew in every which way. Evidently, they were doing some sort of freakish cross-bred of boxing and wrestling, as they were constantly switching from punching and kicking the living daylights out of each other to suddenly being on the floor, pulling their opponent's limbs in ways that could only be described as 'unnatural.'

Needless to say, Larxene wasn't impressed.

"Men..." our Savage Nymph sighed, "Seriously, if you're gonna watch people kill each other, it might as well be in some _creative_ way! Here, give me that remote!"

Of course, Lexaeus didn't _want_ to 'give' the remote, so Larxene simply brought out her electro-knives and stabbed the living mountain of muscle in his gut. In between his convolutions, she took the liberty of removing the remote from his fat, meaty hands and changed the channel.

Now, the image on the TV screen showed some guy sitting in a very palely colored room with his leg chained to a wall. In his hand was a small saw, which he was looking at desperately. Eventually, screaming in pain all the while, he began to cut his leg off to free himself. Nasty. Larxene, however, was enjoying every minute of it.

"See?" she explained, "Take this movie, _Saw_, for example. This is a creative way to torture someone! You don't just keep punching them over and over; you put 'em in a situation where they have to hurt _themselves_! Now _that's_ creative."

"I don't get it..." Roxas mused, "Why doesn't he just use the saw to cut the _chain_ instead than his _leg_?"

"It's a horror movie," Saїx dead-paned, "do you expect them to have _any_ form of intelligence?"

Demyx, meanwhile, was starting to look really queasy.

"Ugh... This is disgusting!" the sitar player moaned, "How can you people watch this stuff? You're getting your entertainment out of watching someone else suffer needlessly! It's no better than when the Romans watched gladiator fights!"

Note to self: Make Demyx go on a mission to Olympus Coliseum sometime just to annoy the guy.

"That's it, somebody give me the remote!" Luxord demanded, "I can't believe I gave up my online poker for this! I'll show you!"

The Gambler of Fate tried to steal the remote from Larxene, but she started putting up a fight. Rather than fight fair, Luxord simply grabbed those two strands of hair that stick out of Larxene's head (how much hair gel does she use to keep those up, anyway?) and pulled her head back. She began flailing her arms around madly, to which Luxord responded by simply using his free hand to swipe the remote out of her grip. Afterwards, he let her go, causing her to lose her balance and fall to the floor.

"This is why I tuck my braids under my cloak whenever I pick a fight with Luxord," Xaldin whispered to the Savage Nymph.

"Can it, dread head," Larxene hissed back.

With the power of the TV now in his possession, Luxord put on ESPN. When I realized this, I began praying fervently that it would at least be something remotely interesting, like sports bloopers.

Silly me.

"Okay, someone refresh my memory..." Axel began, "Since when was poker considered a sport? I mean, really... _The World Series of Poker_?"

"Yeah, seriously," Roxas agreed, "Luxord, you choose the worst shows. Give me the remote."

"No way, you stupid brat!" Luxord objected, "You dragged me away from my online poker, so I'll force you to watch poker on TV! So there!"

"Sorry, Luxord, but I have to agree with Axel and the kid..." Xaldin interjected, "Poker blows."

"Majorly," Xigbar added for emphasis.

"Oh yeah, like any of your shows were better!" Number Ten retorted.

"I didn't even _get_ a chance to choose a show!" Vexen protested.

"Me neither!" Saїx furthered.

"Yeah! How about letting us have the remote, TV hog!" Zexion ordered.

Now, I technically never got the remote either, but I chose not to complain about such things because if I do...

"You guys want the remote? You'll have to pry it outta my cold, dead fingers!"

"That can easily be arranged."

... Mass pandemonium ensues.

Zexion lunged for Luxord, who simply sidestepped the Cloaked Schemer and watched him land right on top of Larxene, who was still sprawled out on the floor. She didn't take too kindly to this, so she promptly retaliated by kicking Number Six where Kingdom Hearts doesn't shine. This caused him to flip over the couch, slamming into Xigbar and causing both of them to fall off the sofa and land on top of Axel, Roxas, and Demyx. None of those three were thrilled with their new arrivals, so Xigbar soon found his ponytail on fire and Zexion was shielding himself from a Keyblade attack with his precious spell book. Saїx and Vexen attempted to break up the fight but they both wound up getting drenched with a huge ball of water, courtesy of Demyx. Lexaeus, meanwhile, decided that he wanted to get in on the action, possibly to get back at Roxas for his obnoxious singing, so he literally _threw_ himself onto the growing pile of black cloaks, which was starting to look disturbingly more like some bad porn movie than a fight. Larxene, realizing that Luxord was the one who started this whole mess, began attempting to stab and/or electrify _him_, along with trying to reclaim the sacred remote. Marluxia was becoming increasingly nauseated by the gratuitous violence and left the room crying. Finally, there was Xaldin, still as calm as ever, sipping a can of soda he got from seemingly nowhere.

"I believe this is where you step in," Xaldin addressed to me.

I sighed. Here we go again.

I stood up and began to conjure the power of darkness within my fists. With a mighty roar, I threw the balls of darkness at the pig pile on the floor. The result was deafening. There was a massive explosion, sending the undead flying every which way. Most slammed into walls and furniture, and all were too dazed and confused to speak… Except Roxas.

"Man…" the former Keybearer groaned, "I _hate_ it when Xemnas does that!"

I opted not to comment, for Lord knows that would've involved words that Roxas wouldn't understand.

Instead, I noticed the fabled remote lying defenseless on the floor. With no one else in any condition to grab it, I casually waltzed over and took it for myself. This happens _every_ night: Thirteen entities with thirteen different personalities makes for finding something to watch nigh impossible. Add the fact that they are all bitter, revenge-starved warriors of the darkness, and the scenario becomes downright _dangerous_, as well.

Thankfully, though, I had the remote now, and my choice is law. Furthermore, I happened to know one channel that _everyone_ could agree on. None of them would like to admit it, of course, but you can't change the fact that, when you live in a world with a ton of _very_ animated characters, such things influence what you like to watch.

And so, with a click of the remote, the TV showed a channel that caused everyone to stop what they were doing (recovering, mostly), and simply watch quietly.

Toon Disney.


End file.
